After seeing a couple hundred newsroom managers deal with difficult conversation cases the last two years in Poynter seminars, nothing has impressed me more than the value of role-playing. In the safe seminar environment, managers get to practice something many of them put off: those tough conversations.
Role-playing — the way we incorporate it into difficult conversation sessions — requires the newsroom manager to take on the role of the individual who is having some difficulty. A trusted colleague plays the manager.
A role-play can be helpful only if the news manager has prepared well. And that’s why we ask participants to write about a situation in advance. We ask them to define:
• what’s most at issue
• what outcome they desire
• whether they have been delaying the conversation and, if so, why
This writing exercise is clearly a key step in helping them gain confidence. They have a lot of thoughts about and experiences with the individual. And the writing assignment helps them pinpoint what is most important and often uncovers gaps they need to fill in by talking with others or hearing directly from the individual before or during the meeting.
Before we do the role-playing, we also talk about why they delay having the conversations. We hear things like:
• “It’s tough to tell someone they’re failing at something.”
• “I’m uncertain of what’s going on with the person, things I might not know.”
• “I’m concerned the meeting will become emotional and I’m not sure how to handle that.”
These are normal reactions in tough circumstances and they need to be acknowledged as such. Then, the manager needs to move on.
And that’s one of the beauties of role-playing -– it helps managers get past emotions and conduct effective discussions.
If possible, when engaging in role-playing, include a third person as an observer who offers coaching advice after you’re done and who can help you both debrief.
Here’s what to capitalize on when role-playing:
• When you play the role of the individual at the center of the situation, get out of your shoes and into his or hers. Take all that you know and understand about the person and anticipate his or her reactions and demeanor. Is the person a good listener? Do you expect a constructive reaction? Has this person resisted your previous suggestions for improvement? Do you expect a passive response or one of instantaneous emotion?
• As you push back, get emotional, or lob questions at the person playing you, notice his or her body language, speaking style, word choices, and tone. How is the person playing you reacting to your challenges or questions? Is he remaining calm? How well is she listening and acknowledging what you are saying? What is he doing to keep the discussion constructive and on track?
• After the conversation, debrief the excercise. Identify what you experienced that can help you plan and further practice the effective conversation you want to conduct. What did you see the other person do that was effective and helpful? What specific techniques did you find valuable? What insights did you gain from playing the role of the individual with whom you will meet? If you had a third-party observer, what did that person see?
At the end of one recent role-playing session at a seminar, the participant facing a tough conversation was amazed by one particular insight.
She came to the role-play with heightened emotions about her situation. She resented what she had been through to that point. And, there were some very understandable reasons for the depth of her feelings. We had talked before the seminar and a couple times before the session on difficult conversations. So I knew a lot about it and about her frustration.
I don’t recall her exact words, but the essence of her immediate response was something like this: “I see it. I see the effectiveness of packing away the unproductive emotions.”
The person who played her had been clear and straightforward. He did not have her history of frustration. And she found a model for checking emotional baggage rather than carrying it into the conversation.
An interesting footnote to her case: The difficult situation she wrote about for the seminar had changed before she arrived. We played out her case anyway, and for good reason. Hers was a situation that still had hurdles, and what she learned would help her through those.
If you want to practice difficult conversations and role-playing, see the sidebar for a few short cases to get you started, and let us know if we can help.
