The 12 headlines of Easter & Passover you might (not) see this weekend

Neither Easter nor Passover are occasions that get pulses racing in newsrooms: The news hooks for both holy days have decreased markedly since they began. You can hit Web-traffic targets on days that are primarily religious obligations, but it takes some creativity. Herewith, some suggestions about how some media orgs can do that, along with how good the chances are employees there will be able to score a three-day weekend if they follow my advice:

1. BuzzFeed: Photo gallery: “125 inadvertently sexual Easter Egg designs” | Days off quotient: High

2. Gawker: “I Can’t Stop Looking at These Babies G-d Smote” | Days off quotient: Medium-Low

3. The Philadelphia Inquirer: “Jesus, Bill Marimow rise again” | Days off quotient: Very low

4. Anchor Weekly: Just slap someone else’s name on this Erik Deckers column. | Days off quotient: Medium-High

5. The Daily Caller: “A question of character: New York Times applauds Jonathan Safran Foer’s mugging of Maxwell House” | Days off quotient: Very low

6. The Huffington Post: Already has the joint cased. | Days off quotient: Medium-Low

7. GOOD: “Infographic: How Paas destroyed the Passaic River” | Days off quotient: Very high

8. Esquire: “Ladies: You’re Not as Good at Stuffing Easter Baskets as You Think” (Dek: “Use a mirror when arranging the grass, and don’t treat my Peeps like they’re battery acid”) | Days off quotient: Off the charts

9. Grantland: “Rated Eggs: A statistical analysis of Rachael Ray’s Easter special with Toby Keith” (recap: 2,700 words; footnotes: 4,200 words) | Days off quotient: Medium

10. NBC Chicago: “Matzo Friendly: Rahm tries, fails to hide feelings about Timothy Geithner” | Days off quotient: Medium-medium

11. Poynter: “Why bloggers shouldn’t attempt humor.” | Days off quotient: Pretty low for me once I turn this in

12. Politico: The tag is a great start! Good SEO opportunity, and it makes all future Easter stories easy to find. Easter demands at least as much wall-to-wall coverage as the Louisiana primary. So: Live coverage (simulcast on TBN) with Maggie Haberman, Scott Thuman and VandeHarris at the desk and on the empty newsroom floor; Juana Summers live at the White House Easter Egg Roll; a quickie ebook about the political contributions of candy moguls; plus TOP TALKER: “ARE DEAD PEOPLE STUPID?” | Days off quotient: No one has ever taken a day off at Politico; do you really want to be the first to try?

BONUS ROUND Try to beat this real headline: “Obama’s Matzo-Ball Soup”

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  • Anonymous

    yes, big fail here. good try, but big fail. do apologize and explain why you did it, sir.

  • Anonymous

    If this is supposed to be humorous, it’s a big fail. Just another example of how newspaper people (they are no longer journalists) are out of touch with the world around them.  These self-absorbed news people need to get out of their isolated lives and see how real people react to this garbage.

  • Anonymous

    It is tasteless commentary like this that makes people hate us.  Neither Easter nor Passover are laughing matters to people of faith.  I;d write more, bujt I must prepare to go sing at a Good Friday service.