Dear Dr. Ink,
Can you address the silliness that abounds in the online world of fantasy football team names? I shouldn’t speak so soon as I’m currently running the following teams: “The Oviedo Humidity,” “DicButtKiss,” and the “Sofa Kings.”
Where did we go wrong, when did the silliness ensue, who created such madness? I just wanted to know if I’m alone in my thinking or does this sort of name chaos pervade even scholarly communities as well? Your son-in-law is currently “Chop Block Suey.” What that means … I just don’t know.
Please help.
Jed A. Broitman
Answer: Dr. Ink confesses to a strong bias when it comes to the names of sports teams or musical groups. He favors plural nouns ending in the letter “s.”
So he prefers the Knicks to the Heat, just as he prefers The Temptations to Nirvana. These preferences may seem old-fashioned to many young, feisty fantasy football types, but then the Doc defines the essence of “Old School.”
Here, then, are his favorite sports team names in order of preference:
- The New York Yankees: Can’t beat it for rhythm, style, and alliteration. Also the best uni’s and the best logo.
- The Chicago Cubs: Brevity works.
- The Los Angeles Lakers: The name improved when the team migrated from Minneapolis to L.A.
- The Boston Celtics: Any city cursed with The Red Sox needs a team with a good name and storied past.
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Longer than most names, and there’s no such city as Tampa Bay, but why not ride a winner?
- The Toronto Maple Leafs: Love the fact that it’s not the Leaves.
- The Alabama Crimson Tide: An exception to the “s” rule, but a great one, even though the mascot is an elephant.
- The Gonzaga University Zags: Jesuit school with basketball tradition. Gotta love a team name beginning with the letter Z.
- Manchester United: Another exception. Makes it for the sense of unity and purpose central to any great soccer club.
- The Macon Whoopees: Minor league baseball team from Georgia. Hats and shirts are collector’s items.
Ten Horrible Team Names:
- The New York Mets. (Bad name, bad team, obnoxious fans.)
- The Washington Redskins. (Shame, shame, shame.)
- The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. (Why not transport team in a paddy wagon?)
- The Anaheim Mighty Ducks. (Ugly city name, dumb Disney rip-off.)
- The Holy Cross Crusaders. (How about a dual meet with Islamic Jihad?)
- The Providence College Friars. (Reflects narcissism of Dominicans who founded school. “Hey, let’s name the team after us fat guys!”)
- The Elon Fighting Christians. (Recently changed, but still a hoot.)
- The Duke Blue Devils. (Bad name, arrogant student body.)
- The North Carolina Tar Heels. (If you’re going to name yourself after a body part, why a dirty foot?)
- Georgetown Hoyas. (Leave it to the Catholics to name a team after a Latin relative pronoun meaning “What.”)
[ List your favorite team names. List the worst. Argue with the Doc. ]
